An unorthodox way of choosing me
A Nomad Story
One might call it homelessness, laziness, or an unfortunate mishap but I like to think of this current life chapter as an unexpected shift, a discovery of self, and the bravery of finally choosing me!
Following my inner know
2021 was a pivotal point. I dove deeper into spirituality, gained more confidence in myself, and was on the precipice of taking the leap of a lifetime.
I was ready for a change and an overdue one in my eyes. I wasn’t happy where I was and wanted more out of life than the mundane. The 9–5 work wheel wasn’t cutting it, my relationship was a mess, and my daughter was a few months away from heading off to college. I felt antsy, nervous, and excited to break free of my old life and start fresh in a new one; one forged from my own desires and imagination.
The dream initially was to find another job while figuring out what actually sparked my interest in order to pursue an entrepreneurial endeavor of my own. In the meantime, I envisioned myself traveling, meeting new people, and engaging in new interests and hobbies. The dream was spectacular and had an endless array of happily ever after moments. So, in July 2021 I packed what I could in my SUV and drove a thousand miles south.
New life here I come and a new life indeed!
Record scratch and slam the breaks!
7 months later and that SUV I set off in is now my current residence. Yes, I am officially a homeless nomad, one I care not to admit (the societal shame still rears its head at times) but here we are. The dream of glitter and gold turned into a life of emotional spirals, regrets, questions, screams, and multiple F-bombs.
The questions and nail-biting moments were endless. I found myself at rock bottom mentally and physically, desperately trying to claw my way back to the sun. I sank further with every struggling breath accompanied by rivers of tears screaming “why, what have I done to deserve this, and where did I go wrong?” It was like darkness was a blanket and I was caught in the blackout.
I won’t go into the details of how I got here but if you would like to know more about my journey check out my YouTube.
Anyway, it was definitely an unexpected turn of events and also a wake-up call. I was forced to take a pit stop, humble myself, and reflect. Definitely not an easy thing to do and each day had/has its heavy moments.
When the rose-colored glasses are removed
I will be honest this is not an easy way of living especially living in a society where money gets you everywhere and love gets you a crack of a smile and questions of sanity. On the flip side, this way of living has given me a different view entirely; one that has changed the way I see the world, my current status, and myself.
Each day is a new day to start again, each day is a new day to try something different, and each day is simply a new day.
Every day I wake up with one goal in mind, “How can I be a better me, for me?” Looking back over my life I found it had moments of joy and laughs but they were never consistent nor were they authentic. Yes I know, the authenticity rave! Authenticity is like the new self-discovery fashion trend, everyone wants to wear the new design! I will admit it was definitely something missing from my life which may be the reason I suffered from anxiety, depression, low self-worth, lacked confidence, and had trouble interacting with others. As I look back, I went from a kid who loved playing with her neighborhood friends to an adult who preferred isolation. I never went out and lost touch with so many people.
Now that I think about it, the blanket of darkness I thought was covering me at the brink of this journey was actually coming off. The light was starting to shine in and I wasn’t used to its rays, damn!
Being forced to enter a period of solitude puts you in a place of endless thought. If you do not know how to observe and navigate through, you will definitely get lost in its tunnels. Like Alice falling into the pit of wonderland, you may touch the edge of insanity or stumble in the mud of self-doubt, anxiety, and depression. I found myself there numerous times but I also questioned everything and discovered a lot. These inner discoveries brought to light the things that I buried and also the things I had to work through. My class was in session and I was the student as well as the teacher.
What I’ve learned so far
Uncovering the layers to find your truest you is not easy and I will not sugar coat it. It’s definitely a hell of a ride but it has its blissful moments too. You find joy in things you never thought you would. You begin to understand what your needs are and how you want to be loved by nurturing and loving yourself. You understand boundaries and that people do play a part in your development, this is why it’s important to surround yourself with those that help your growth. You slowly come out of your box and become curious. You find life less scary and more intriguing. You try new things and are less worried about failure but more fascinated by the journey. You meet new people, discover new places, and find yourself with less anxiety; I know I have! The smiles are more natural and the serenity of self begins to set in.
This may look like an unorthodox journey but had I not taken the leap I would have missed out on finally coming to a place of loving who I am and finally removing the blanket that kept me hidden for so long.
“Taking the cobblestone road may be trying but I believe its ultimately worth it!”
-A Unicorn Word
For more about my journey, mental health, and creative tales follow for more